The weight of the depression glued me to my bed. I had to get up. I had no choice, right? If I didn’t I would pee my bed.
As a teen I remember being plagued with depression. I didn’t talk about it with anyone, I just hung out with it. I would spend hours in bed just sad or numb. Somewhere along my Christian journey, I told myself that Christians didn’t get depression or have mental illness and especially the idea that Christians should never ever go on antidepressants. Over and over I coached myself with the lie that if I would just pray more, read my Bible more, do another Bible study or worship more I would be cured. I judged myself and I judged anyone else with a mental disorder even though I was one of them.
I continued wrestling with the shame of being a depressed Christian over the next ten years. I am a great actress, almost no one knew this side of me. I lived two lives between discouragement and “happy Christian”. I would serve in the church and hide out at home in the darkness of my shame.
Once I had my first daughter, postpartum depression hit me really hard. God gave me the most sweet, laid-back, compliant daughter. She was exactly what I could handle in that season. We would get up in the morning, eat, play a little, take a two hour nap, eat lunch, play a little, take a three hour nap, make dinner, chill with husband/daddy and go to bed. I knew that a change had to come, that was not living. I was ready to consider antidepressants (but I wasn’t going to let anyone know). My plans to get healthy were stopped when I became pregnant with my second daughter. So I waited through the pregnancy.
Back to peeing my bed…I realized that the only thing that was getting me out of bed was the fact that I would have to pee in the morning. So I had ten steps to rally myself from the bed to the toilet. Ten steps to try to talk myself into being a good Mom. Ten steps to try to convince myself that today was going to be different. Ten steps to convince myself that life was worth living.
While shopping at a bargain store I found a sign that read “Live Life With Passion”. Something about that word “Passion” spurred me on. I bought this sign and put it up in my bathroom. So every morning as I took my ten steps to the bathroom, I’d look up and be forced to read that sign. “Live Life With Passion”.
When we moved from upstate New York to Southern California. I couldn’t wait to pull out my little sign and put it up in our new home. I was devastated when I found the writing had been damaged beyond reading.
So I went out and tattooed “Live Life With Passion” on my wrist. Now it’s always in front of me every step I take. I want to remember how far I’ve come in this journey of healing. I’ve since gone on antidepressants, went to two counselors, went off antidepressants, got diagnosed with adult ADHD and went to a life couch to teach me how to understand how my brain was created. I now know how to recognize the signs of falling into depression and I know how to pull myself out based on how my brain was created.
Write down the revelation and make it plain on a tablet so that they may run with it.
When dreaming about HerRoar.com Habakuk 2:2 came to mind. I love the trend of words being part of jewelry, fashion and house decor. I hope it never goes away. I have moved on from my one little sign in the bathroom, to having words all over my home and clothing. In fact, I even started a jewelry business with stamped words because I recognized the power of a well-placed word to encourage me and others.
What word(s), scriptures, saying have helped spur you on in your faith journey?