When my heart is full with happiness or sadness my body’s physical response is to only do one thing, cry. People usually ask me, “If you’re happy why are you crying?” Or they say, don’t cry this is a good thing. I guess some would say it’s better than having anxious giggling, like at a funeral or a wedding (I have seen that before). I grieve for those people that it happens to because they seriously can’t help it. It’s like a nervous tick.
The flip side of it is anger, it hit’s me and here come the tears. Appearing overly emotional, as though I couldn’t handle a conversation seriously bothered me. Which unfortunately, leaves the observer feeling one of two ways, she’s really emotional or she’s way too sensitive. I am truly a person with compassion for others. My heart is worn on my sleeve, my emotions show on the exterior, but people really don’t know me, they only think they do.
Over the years being myself has been a challenge, and that’s putting it mildly. I’m either too much of the following: loud, caring, happy, helpful and full of compliments. Believe or not, I have even heard that I was fake and not black enough as if there is such a thing. I have learned in the last ten years that all of it is just plain wrong! I now realize that only God’s opinion matters. While I have no control over what others may think or view of me, I do have control over whether or not I give credit to the opinion of others. I choose what I receive.
Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows out of it. Proverbs 4:23
Fortunately, I had feelings of inadequacy, un-worthiness and shame that stemmed from poor choices in relationships. I say fortunately because the cliché of what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger is my reality. Hardship in life and relationships has shaped me to be the amazing person I am today, to rise above those feeling and labels. Having MS (Multiple Sclerosis) for fourteen years now requires me to CHOOSE my attitude! It’s not what I hear, it’s what I deduce to accept in this life, so I do my best to choose wisely. I choose to push through my day as a wife and mother regardless of how I feel or what others have said of me.
You see for me it’s in the pain and uncomfortableness of life that has made me strong in Jesus and through my circumstance I glorify God. One of my favorite verses in His word is
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-11
I can say that I am grateful and today (with refined improvement) I am a joyful, compliment giving, great hugging, Jesus dependent, dreamer and I am thrilled with who I am today, no more excuses. I am still a cry baby and you know what? That’s how God made me. As my mom put it, you should have been a Philosopher! You have your own way of thinking and acting and I love that about you. I just embrace it, for all of the above shaped me into to woman I am today!
Know that you are loved,
Angela a.k.a. Truffle