The party is in full swing and the pool is packed with people – splashing, having fun. The music is upbeat and loud, the perfect soundtrack for a sunny day. I am on the other side of the fence from the pool and do a quick head count. Baby Sophia – on my hip, check. Jacob, check. Jaxon – floaties on, check. Payton . . . where is Payton?!
Suddenly I see her. What’s happening? Where are her floaties?
Now I’m yelling, “Payton is drowning!”
I see her arms wave and her head go under . . . she’s trying to remember how to get to her back.
I’m screaming now . . . the music is so loud. Why can’t anyone hear me?!
“Payton is drowning!!”
She goes down again and I see her little hands above the water, trying to reach for the help that is not there. No one else notices her.
“Somebody help me!”
Then I see him. My husband, Patrick runs to the edge of the pool, reaches in and pulls her out. He has her. She is safe. We are safe.
I wake up with a start, heart pounding. The baby and I had fallen asleep in our snuggle chair. Payton breathes quietly in the bed next to us. I know we are safe, but I still begin to cry. I am troubled by the dream and feel very sad. It is not until later in the day that I begin to hear the words of hope whispered over my heart. “You are not alone.”
You see, I have struggled with anxiety in the year since we followed God’s leading to adopt three babies under the age of three years old. I was a really good mom when I had an only child, but this? This is way above my pay grade and miles outside of my comfort zone.
My fear and thoughts of inadequacy are compounded when I am parenting on my own for days at a time as my husband suffers from incapacitating frequent onset acute migraines. Honestly, so many people thought (think?) we are crazy for taking on more children, but we know we are right where God wants us to be.
Recently, some changes to our diet and supplements seem to be decreasing the frequency and duration of Patrick’s pain. Is that what the dream means? That God has granted twenty years of prayers for healing and Patrick will be able co-parent 24/7? I hope so! If so, we receive that blessing with rejoicing and gratitude.
Perhaps it just means that I am not alone – that friends, family and the Holy Spirit have our back and will watch over us, that I do not have to be quite so hard on myself. If so, I receive that blessing.
God has that same word for all of us, for you!
You are not alone:
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6
In your weakness, He is strong:
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-11
The peace of God will be with you:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6, 7
May these words comfort you as they do me.
Finding peace in His presence,
Corie
Corie spent the next years asking “why?” and seeking answers in the world. God brought her through many mistakes and protected her from many more, all while continuing to reveal His love to her, even during her darkest days.
Due in no small part to her family’s patient love and prayer, God led her back to Him by saving her (then non-believing) fiancee . . . Her heavenly father used her earthly love to win her back.
Married nineteen years, Corie and her husband Patrick have made a life in Murrieta, CA with their four children. They have sought God and found Him faithful through marital issues, infertility, adoption, child-rearing, finances, health and so much more.
After spending her life identifying as a: rebel, writer, wife, lover, mother, daughter, sister, friend, care-taker, business woman, and the list goes on, Corie now finds peace and joy in her true identity - loved by God and anointed to love others without reservation or expectation.
When not wrangling kiddos, Corie loves to run, read, cook, sip a little wine, and spend time at the beach. She is still not afraid to ask “why?” knowing God will always reveal an answer as she seeks His face.
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