I was a drug addict at the age of seventeen. I was in love with Joey, he left to move to Arizona to find work and was going to come get me once he got settled. It broke my heart. That day, I threw myself on the motorcycle and would not let him leave. I made a huge scene! I was really unhealthy at relationships.
A few months later I found out I was pregnant. I used a lot of drugs, crystal meth and pot were my go-to drugs. I had no idea what to do. I was a very lost and hopeless girl, so I decided to do as much drugs as possible to hopefully “get rid of” the baby. I had no place to live at the time and called my mom in desperation. She gave me an ultimatum, I could come live there for a while if I got an abortion! My stomach just dropped typing this. I agreed, what was I to do?
I had walked into a birth-choice ministry before this and they showed me a video of the procedure of abortion, it scared me so bad that I walked out even more discouraged.
I was three and a half months pregnant when I had the abortion.
The day before the procedure, I went to the clinic for the first part of the process. When we drove up to the clinic there were Christians everywhere picketing the clinic. We could barely park. I was promised it would not be painful, I felt the strongest pain I have ever felt in my life! My baby was dying and I knew it, I screamed a primal scream so loud. I knew it was wrong …very, very wrong. The woman kept telling my mom, that it is not supposed to be painful. There was no going back! Oh how I wanted to change what I had just done.
I checked out at that moment, like I shut down and gave up hope of life or anything good. The next day, they finished the procedure. I went home with my mom and began hating myself more and more. There was no shower only a tub in the bathroom I was using. I sat in a tub filled with water and blood and cried and cried and cried!
Darkness overcame me that day, I vowed to destroy myself! I did not deserve to live! I set my heart on a path of self-destruction. Many, many horrible things happened to me and I did many shameful things during this time. I left my Mom’s home and lived on the streets. I became so hopeless, helpless and alone. I knew I needed to do hard time, to do whatever I needed to change my life. I finally surrendered and landed in jail at 18. I was saved in jail.
One of the women I bunked with was a Christian woman who was arrested for picketing abortion clinics. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? Isn’t it funny how God brings our stories into full completion? She shared with me everything she knew, she loved me. She was the one who came and picked me up from jail at midnight when I was released after eight months. She bought me clothes and let me stay with her for three days and found a place for me to go.
The Lord encouraged me to deal with the shame and guilt of this sin I had committed. I would hear talk shows on christian radio about people being forgiven and forgiving themselves.
Two years later sitting in an AA meeting with my Mom, I was behind a man with his six month old baby. In that moment, I wondered what would my child be like. My mom leaned over to me and said, “That is Joey and his baby.” Joey, my ex-boyfriend, the father of my baby! I lost it and ran out. Things once again were coming full circle. God wanted to heal my heart. I sobbed and sobbed. One of those shaking all over the body type of cries. I could barely stop. My mom took me home.
I began to forgive myself. I didn’t know it at the time, Joey had come to my mom’s house to beg me not to have an abortion and my mom sent him away without telling me. Two months after seeing Joey with his baby, I saw him and I asked for his forgiveness. He forgave me. God forgave me. THERE IS NO UNFORGIVABLE SIN!
When I look at my life I see how God ordained my life situations to bring me to wholeness in Him. I wasn’t even walking as a Christian during most of this. He drew me to Him, took me out of the sludge and pit of this world and my sin. He has the ability to be in all circumstances, and now I can see a beautiful complete story. How could I deny God when I look back at the patterns of my redemption story.