It’s inevitable. As the conversation unfolds, I wait for it. I pray for patience, kindness, and a loving response to the question, “But don’t you and Kris want your own kids?”
My own kids.
As my mind swirls and my heartbeat quickens, I’m pretty sure that all my years as a professional actor can’t cover up my….discomfort.
My own kids.
Let’s go back about 6 years. I was in the process of healing from my divorce to a man who told me, “I do not want children, and I don’t want them with you.” Yes, this is exactly what he said. It was a conclusion he had drawn that was contrary to what we had talked about, dreamed about, and planned during our 5 years of marriage. The whole fairy tale had completely unraveled and I was left in an unrecognizable and extremely painful situation.There were many other reasons for the divorce but a big one was that he no longer wanted to have a family, something that I desired, so he walked.
I saw Kris on Christianmingle.com and was immediately interested in him. His bio was verbose (like mine, duh) and full of things about his passion for living a life totally sold out for Jesus. It was also very clear he was only looking to be with someone who loved the Lord first. Umm, and it didn’t hurt that he’s smokin’ hot (No really, I win)! But it was when I got down to the end of his bio and read the last sentence that everything changed, “… and I have three beautiful daughters.”
Cue the record scratch.
What? He’s got kids!
Now for many of you, that doesn’t seem unusual, but for me, it was a totally foreign thing. A lot of my friends had kids but I had never dated anyone with children and never even considered it to be a possibility.
Well, it freaked me out so much that I shut my christianmingle account down for a week to seek the Lord in prayer. I prayed everyday, not just about this super hot man with a great bio (I said bio, not body!), but about the new idea of possibly being with someone who already had children.
I just wanted the Lord to inform my heart. I needed to process and decide what I wanted. After a week of seeking the Lord in prayer, I got an email from christianmingle saying that someone had sent me a direct message…yup, you guessed it….the hot guy with the kids! A week after I saw his bio, he saw mine and sent me a message. He said, “Hey I saw your bio, I think you’re really cute, and I would love to get to know you. Pray about it and get back to me.”
My reply, “Uh, not to sound like a stalker but, I’ve been praying about you for a week!”
We went on to chat and I told him about what had happened. I told him that when I saw that he had kids I freaked out. He said, “Well, yeah, I come as a package deal. So what did the Lord tell you? How do you feel now?”
I told him that I knew that the Lord had a family for me, and I trusted Him to make me a mommy any way He wanted. So, with that said, I was open to move forward. As we got to know each other over the next few weeks, we knew it was the real deal and it was time to meet the girls.
Christmas day, 2011. BEST. DAY. EVER. It was immediate. The Lord did a miraculous work in all our hearts that day, and a new family was born.
I can’t explain it to you. I don’t know what happened. All I know is in that moment the Lord filled my heart with all I ever wanted and needed in regards to being a mom. It had nothing to do with where the girls came from, whose DNA they had, how old they were, or even if the love was returned.
My own kids.
I make no qualms about the fact that they have another mother. I am so thankful for her! She is the one who made me a mother! If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have children. Ok, my husband had a little something to do with that, but you get what I’m saying.
But, they are my own kids. They are the only ones I’ve got.
Some people do not understand me. They don’t get my love for my daughters’ mother. They don’t need to, my heart does. They don’t understand how I am totally satisfied and have no craving for bio kids. Ummm, mind your own biological clock, mine’s just fine, thank you! And most don’t have any clue how hard it is to maneuver between boldly loving and celebrating my children, and not offending or minimizing anyone else.
My own kids.
They are a gift from God. They are answers to prayers I didn’t know I was praying. They don’t have any idea of the depth of love I feel for them. Someday they might understand, but even if they don’t, I am still thankful for the opportunity to love them as my very own.
Full of joy,