“You’re not living very intentionally.”
He sat across the table from me, this person I have known my entire adult life, hit me with that line… like it was nothing. I tried hard not to react too visibly, but that simple declaration set me back on my heels. I wondered all day, “Is that true?”
I’ve been trying hard to live with clarity and honesty, to be open and real about myself, my walk, who I have been and who I’ve become. But maybe I’m not doing as well as I had thought. So, in an attempt to be responsive to that challenge issued to me, I thought I would share a list of personal intentions I wrote recently. Maybe it’s more of a prayer… a request that God make me into the person I believe I can be. (Fair warning: I am prone to hyperbole and grandiose metaphor. It’s all the British literature I’ve consumed.)
All right. Here we go:
I want to be hardy without being hard – like a wind poppy. A wildflower that dances in the quiet breeze that carries Your voice, that blooms from the untilled earth, rooted in the reality of creation rather than the false security of a garden. Help me to remember that when I ask you to help me grow, that a little rain is a necessary part of that process.
I want to stop letting loss shape me. To be fearless. What pain could come now that I could not survive? And I will not wince as I write that, as if it were a challenge to a universe that is my nemesis. To say “I can face anything” is faith. And it is time for me to cling to that.
I want to start giving out the kind of love I’ve spent too much time looking for. To have hands that hold those I love with certainty, without manipulation or the need to shape. I want to reach out into the lives of others as if I were a blind man – one who touches to know rather than to mold.
I want to be ready to climb the mountains that You choose not to move. And in those long stretches of ascent, when it’s so steep that all I can see is the ground in front of me, help me to remember that altitude brings clarity and distance brings perspective.
No more being cautious for the sake of avoiding pain. I want to be the one who runs full speed ahead, confident that You have equipped me with wings, so I don’t have to be fearful of the cliffs.
Keep me faithful to the person You created me to be. Help me to never surrender to the lying fear that I am somehow too much and also not enough for the things that You have promised me. Remind me every day that I am exactly who You made me to be, and that my identity is secure in that fact.
Finally Father, make me a woman of grit and grace – someone who can weather the storm and smile when the sun returns.
“Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24