My last blog was about the hero in my life. This post shares in the aftermath.
After Jim died I didn’t even realize it but I totally lost my trust in God. I didn’t trust Him with anyone or anything. My heart was so crushed. Grief was unbearable. Life wasn’t the way I planned! Since Jim had passed I now had the responsibility of taking care of my mom who had a disability from a severe stroke years earlier. Her daily issues, her finances, her problems, and care was all on me. I felt it was my duty to Jim to fulfill all of it just the way he did. Raising four boys and a mom was so challenging. Taking it all on my shoulders, “being the strong one”, does that sound familiar? Man!
Doing things in our own strength is crazy hard, isn’t it? I was a mess! Drowning my pain in alcohol just to be able to laugh and have some fun, only to wake up in the morning with the excruciating gut wrenching pain of the loss. Anxiety filled my body. I felt hopeless, guilty and so extremely sad. I felt betrayed, ripped off for my kids and family. I didn’t even know if Jim was in Heaven or hell, and that tormented me every day. We didn’t even get to say goodbye! He was an amazing person, but because of his son’s death, he never accepted Jesus. He was angry at God for many years for taking his only son. He had a golden heart toward everyone and God knew his heart like no one else.
I decided to process my heart through an inner healing session at church. I was stuck. I asked God if Jim was in Heaven and God answered my heart as well as confirmed to all of us in that room with a, “YES, he is!” Wow! I was so relieved! I was too scared to ask on my own. We also asked where was Jesus that day Jim died while I was screaming and crying. God showed me that He was right there by my side. WOW! Thank you, Jesus!
I still miss Jim tremendously and must rest in sometimes things happen and we don’t understand why. But knowing God’s heart is to comfort and not punish me is a big love embrace. Like a big daddy bear hug! Sometimes we get stuck and just need a little help whether it’s close friends, prayer or counseling. We must press into trust and not stay in our negative thoughts. We must help ourselves by choosing to get out of the pit. The Psalm I read over and over to strengthen myself was Psalm 40:
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
Readers, let’s trust him with our parents, spouses, kids, finances, jobs, health, everything. He is worthy of our trust. We can feel lighter and be more productive, healthier and definitely happier when we do.
Let go and let GOD,