Divorce is one of those tragedies in life that no one should experience. And here I was, going through one. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. I had never been on my own and felt completely lost. It was my new reality.
I had two beautiful little girls to care for. I was also learning that my youngest had developmental issues. There was no time to feel sorry for myself. I had to get myself up and face my reality. Seeds of insecurity and low self-esteem began to grow in my thoughts. All the dreams I believed as a little girl to be true were now shattered. The fairytale with the happily ever after ending did not exist! If I ever needed the Lord, it was then! I would pray and cry out to him. I didn’t know him intimately then like I know him now, but I knew He was a good God and that He loved me.
During that time, I became obsessed with cleaning the sink. It had to be spotless! I could not leave the house until the sink was clean. I didn’t understand why. I was so consumed with it being clean, that I was sometimes late for work. It was becoming a problem I didn’t comprehend.
I was always frustrated and angry. Yet I couldn’t control the feelings that overcame me as much as I tried. I felt so out of control and for some reason the sink being clean made me feel better.
After I met the man who is my husband now, I began to notice that I wasn’t obsessing over the sink anymore. It wasn’t until some time later that the Lord revealed to me that the reason for my obsession was because I had no control over my life. The sink was the only thing I could control. Every time I cleaned the sink, I was slowly letting go of the garbage and ugliness that I was going through. It was a cleansing of my soul.
“For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.” Psalm 107:9
I was washing away all the pain, hurt, disappointment, abandonment, betrayal and anger. Strange, but it made total sense. The Lord slowly revealed it to me as He began to show me all the good things that were ahead.
He began to fill my heart with love, forgiveness, kindness, joy and peace. I began to smile, have faith and look forward to the future. I became closer to him.
“Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, you will overflow with thankfulness.” Colossians 2:7
When we face trials and difficulties and we realize that we have no control over circumstances, it is then when we can begin to heal. Freedom comes when we surrender it all to our heavenly father.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9
I since learned that:
Religion by Self-Effort leads to self-motivation, self-control which results in guilt, apathy, depression, failure, and constant desire for the wrong approval.
Salvation by Faith is Christ is in us; we are in Christ. We must confess, submit, and commit ourselves to Christ’s control. When we do, the results are joy, thankfulness, love, guidance, service, forgiveness and freedom.
I was living without Jesus as the center of my life. I was trying to do it all without giving it all to him. Control, order, and peace come when we surrender it all to Christ Jesus.
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 12:28
Learning to surrender,