For as long as I can remember, I’ve never been any good at waiting.
At 27, I should be extremely proud of the things that I have been able to accomplish in my short time on this earth. Yet, more often than not, if I’m being completely honest (which I am) my life feels more like a ticking time bomb than anything else. It’s as if I’m waiting for all the good stuff to happen, or worse still, watching it all take place for other people while I’m stuck doing busy work. As I look back over the majority of my twenties, it seems like I’ve spent my time sitting in a lobby, with a fake smile plastered on my face as I wait for the uninterested receptionist to call my name.
You see, I was the girl who, at somewhere around eight years old, went diving into the deep end of a swimming pool before I had ever learned how to swim. That day, like so many others, I just wanted to be where everyone else was. My brain has this funny way of equating waiting to being denied something good, and, quite frankly, I’ve never been fond of denial. I’m not sure where I learned to bristle at words like “no” and “wait”. It could be a cultural thing or perhaps the various situations that I placed myself in, but I’d always sort of made it my mission to get what I desired, especially when someone said that I couldn’t have it. In my mind, I was a go-getter and I was proud of my ability to force my way into things but all my haste got me was a never-enough-kind-of-view that made waiting feel impossible.
To be completely transparent, bringing that kind of mentality into my relationship with God has caused me a lot of heartache, and not because God is keeping anything good from me, but because having a “get what I want at all costs” kind of attitude robs me of my chance to know Him as provider.
I wish that I could say that my knowledge of God’s ability to provide in what seems like wilderness seasons of waiting has helped calm my nerves, but it hasn’t. I have to commit daily to saying no to anxiety and doubt concerning my future. More often than not, I have to reposition my gaze, listen for His voice, wait for His timing and adjust my pace to match His in all that I choose to do. He and I doing a sort of step-by-step, moment-by-moment dance but I find that I am completely encouraged by the fact that God is dancing with me.
I like to remind myself that I am not tucked away in some dusty lobby, or waiting on standby. All I need to do is choose to be an active participant in my own story. Each day as I get ready to leave, I look at the left side of my bathroom mirror and read Proverbs 3:5-6. It carries just the right amount of hope for me, and I pray that as you read it today you are refreshed in the waiting.
“Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.”