I feel like I escaped death last year when my doctor literally forgot I needed surgery. Ever since, I’ve struggled with obsessive thoughts of dying – wondering how much longer I have to live: will I get to see my grand babies, and how much I hope my husband will find a better wife than me if I croak. I’ve told my husband things like, “If I die you need to marry someone who is the teacher-y type, but without the clutter, and she needs to be really loving but also not a push-over because the kids will walk all over her. Also make sure she gives them vitamins and reads to them at night.”
I’ve been terrified that I’m not going to grow old with my husband and enjoy the fruit of our very hard work. I’ve been terrified that I won’t have enough time to deeply instill in my kids how much I love them and bring their natural giftings to light. I’ve used this fear to propel me even deeper into the world of all things health related: exercise, supplements, organic food, detoxing, how to get more turmeric in your diet in the most effective way possible! In and of themselves, all of these are good things. I’m stronger and my skin is looking pretty awesome. But all those good things aren’t making me feel more at peace.
So I’ve been trying to figure out where I’m going wrong and here is some of what I’ve come up with:
-My healthy life isn’t a problem, until it’s a financial problem. If I’m overspending on the budget that my husband and I agreed upon, now we have a marriage and trust problem. On a side note, my husband did the math; if I purchase one kombucha every day that will be $1,000 a year!
-My healthy life isn’t a problem, until it gets in the way of relationships. If I give up on spending time with friends or family because they want burgers and I don’t, I feel like something is out-of-order there. We are literally created for community!
-My healthy life isn’t a problem, until I expect it to relieve my fears, when it gives me anxiety, or when I’m not partnering with God and His word. I can become paralyzed with the thought that no food/supplement/whatever is good enough. If it has to be perfect than I’ve turned it into an idol. And guys, I’ve been doing that a lot lately. To the point where on some nights I can’t even figure out what to make my family for dinner. The wild caught salmon still might be radiated because of Fukushima! I know it’s ridiculous (or is it?)! Somebody slap me!
My kids have a CD they listen to called Hidden in my Heart- Scripture lullabies. I’m not sure who loves it more; them or me. One of the tracks takes Philippians 4:6-7 and turns it into one of the most comforting songs I’ve ever heard:
“Do not worry about anything, instead pray, about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for what he has done. And the peace of God, far beyond what we can understand will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.”
I could listen to this verse on loop all day. It literally soothes my soul. I’m so thankful for this promise! Whatever your fears may be, take a moment to pause, maybe Google this song, and remember that God is your provider and peace-giver in all situations.