You looked up at me with a twinkle in your eye. There was joy behind the twinkle, trust and somehow anticipation. Anticipation that asked, “What’s out there? Is it good? Tell me I’ll be okay. Tell me it’s wonderful.”
As I looked into my first baby’s eyes and she into mine, I sat in awe of the small wonder looking at me. And somehow for the first time in a long time, I felt HOPE. Hope planted its seed in me. I remembered what hope felt like. It was good and if it was good, that meant there was good in the world, good in the world left for me to see and find.
Pregnancy didn’t agree with me. I was really sick for both my pregnancies and very big. Seriously, I gained 75 lbs with my first pregnancy for Natalie and lost it all after five months. With Gianna (my second) I gained 75 lbs and stopped counting after that. I have only one picture of me pregnant (it’s not pretty).
I’d say the worst part of pregnancy was the heartburn. I could live with the weight. Overlook the uncomfortable clothes, get over never sleeping and peeing myself. But the heartburn was horrible. I’m sure that the fact that I craved the hottest foods I could find didn’t help with the heartburn.
Soon after my firstborn, I got hit with pretty bad post-partum depression. I got pregnant right after I lost the baby weight so anti-depressants weren’t an option. As a teen I dealt with depression, so I wasn’t a stranger to this. But it was a whole other level of darkness. I remember trying to rally one day by writing a song. I sat at my keyboard holding baby Natalie. I stared down in awe at my baby girl and she stared up at me and all I could think was small wonder. A simple short song came out of that moment. I still have the recording with her cooing and fussing in the background…
You make me wonder why
Why Why Why
You make me breathe a sigh
My My My
For all you Mammas out there struggling with depression, there is hope. You will find God even in your baby’s eyes. Just look for him.