“Mommy, your passion is fading!” My seven year old looked cheerfully up at me.
I stared down at her in shock. How could this little seven-year old know that I was going through the biggest identity crisis of my life. I had only discussed my struggle in private . Was our mother-daughter bond so strong that she sensed my inner turmoil? Was she highly gifted and bringing me a prophetic message from God? It was prophetic in a way, it was a confirmation in a series of events that led me to realize I was having a God-forced identity crisis.
“What are you talking about?” I said, bewildered.
“Your tattoo Mommy, it’s fading.”
What she was talking about was the tattoo around my wrist. After pregnancy, I was hit pretty hard with postpartum depression. I found a metal plaque that had printed on it: “Live Life With Passion”. Depression had lulled my emotions to a quiet buzz, but I found that the statement “Live Life With Passion” stirred something in me to take one more step forward.
I set the sign up in our bathroom. I figured no matter what, everyday I would have to get up in the morning to pee, so I would see that mantra and it would push me one more step forward. When we moved across country, a couple of years later, I was so disappointed to find the sign had been destroyed in the move.
Soon after the move, I had the mantra tattooed around my wrist to remind me how far God had taken me. So (four years later) when my daughter noticed that part of the word “Passion” was beginning to rub off my wrist (in the midst of an Identity Crisis), I knew this was significant.
What you don’t know is, the other events leading up to this observance of the tattoo fading. It all started when I decided to work on my credit score. I went to Experian to look up my score. Some of the questions they wanted me to answer were odd, like:
“Is the home you purchased in 2006 on Ralf St. or Black Dr.?”
No, I didn’t buy a home.
Did you live with ________ on said house you bought in 2006?
I’ve never heard of him.
I couldn’t answer the questions correctly so that meant I could’t see my results. I thought it might be a fluke. Trying the other credit reports agencies, I ran into the same problem. I was going to have to send in for my information, snail mail style, because, apparently, I didn’t know anything about myself. Was my identity stolen? Did someone buy a house in my name? Was I married to someone else?
Next, I had a laptop where I kept all my dreams. One file had all the projects and things I was going to build or make. Another had all the things I had done already. Still another file had my business plan. It was my dream to open a year round camp and retreat center. So this business plan was a culmination of years of dreaming. It also contained pictures and videos of our family for the past ten-years. I also did all my work for my job on it. The laptop was stolen out of my office one day at work. Gone.
There were other little things that made me question my identity. The things that I once found pleasure in or comfort in did nothing for me anymore. Naps, hot showers, chocolate, ice-cream, working out.
Now here’s the kicker…I got a call from my realtor.
“You know that 2 million dollar property we looked at for your camp? I have investors that are excited to buy into your project and I think we can get the property for $700,000…Call me.”
The moment I heard this offer of my dream being handed to me, my heart dropped out and all I felt was my emotions fall to that quiet numbing buzz. I was paralyzed and didn’t want it anymore. Years of work and planning and I was done, just like that. Weird.
Truthfully, when I realized my laptop was stolen, a part of me was happy. All the pressure I had been building up over “all I would do” was gone. It was a clean slate.
All this led me to realize I didn’t know who I was and I couldn’t make any major decisions till I figured out what God was trying to tell me.
This was a TRUE Identity Crisis, with physical evidence and emotional evidence. This is what I discovered; so much of what I was doing was because I wanted to be seen by others. My motives weren’t all impure, but I enjoyed being the “too busy one”. I wore my busyness like a badge. My position at a large church and school as the calendar & events coordinator and Connections Director made me indispensable to the organization. And I honestly enjoyed having so much control over everyone. When it came to the camp dream, I think a part of me was planning it as another badge to pin on my “shining” record.
The next year led me to give in to the Identity Crisis. I listened as God rebuilt me. He asked me to quit my job, which I did. I vowed to stop Dreaming, Scheming and Planning for six months. I sat quietly at his feet spending time with Him reading His word and I let Him reset me. It was really hard to sit still and I wrestled a lot with him. Six months led to nine and honestly, I think a part of me (two years later) is still recovering from my identity crisis.
During that time I was diagnosed with adult ADHD, which helped me understand how God made my brain. God also refocused me on a career in the arts. I had stopped being an artist because I didn’t have time, so I started painting again. And guess what? My credit score magically cleared up.
I have realized that the rejected little girl inside had self-protected by creating a false identity. An identity that gave a false sense of security in my busyness and perceived importance. This was a lie that she was accepted because she was accomplishing “so much” for “so many” and “for the kingdom of God”.
As I look back to that day when my daughter looked up at me questioning why my passion had faded, I know that it was a gift to start an amazing journey. Jesus reset me and rescued my TRUE IDENTITY.
Have you let your Passion(s) fade? It’s never too late to let Jesus reset you to your TRUE IDENTITY.
Marcy is an all around creative type, and comes from a very creative family. At the early age of five, Marcy was taking drama and art courses at the local community college. Her childhood and teen years were spent exploring the great outdoors in Upstate New York, playing and learning music (in and out of the church), creating visual arts (winning several awards for her work), crafting, play writing & stage design, dance (which she taught for four years) and writing. Needless to say, she now loves to dabble in all things creative. Her days are filled with loving on her two soon-to-be preteen daughters, being a supportive wife (of fifteen years), learning new creative skills, and running her jewelry business (StickOrStone.com).
It’s not surprising to know that when it came time to decide on school, Marcy chose to get a degree in Music Business. She is currently finishing her Bachelors in Worship Arts. Marcy’s brilliant ADHD mind has enabled her to be able to try out many jobs, and excel at them. From retail to construction, to camp councilor to coffee barista, Marcy gained insight into business and a heart for people.
Currently, Marcy is the vocal director at Centerpoint Church in Murrieta, CA. She is also helping to establish a 24-7 Murrieta House of Prayer by being the Worship Arts Director. Marcy loves the region of Temecula Valley where she and her family reside. Long term, she would like to establish an artists collective (Create365.org) that supports and mentors local artists with a marketplace (StickOrStone.com) and mastery instruction.
Marcy has a passion to see people free and fully living their lives for Christ. Her own faith journey has been a long road of healing as she has overcome childhood sexual abuse, rejection, depression and legalistic religion. She loves to see the transformation prayer and truth can have on a person’s life. Marcy also loves to paint in the prophetic. She believes that God can use her and her art to touch and heal the world around her.
See her posts here: https://herroar.com/author/marcy1432/