These days I rarely ever feel like loving God. Allow me to explain.
In April of 2017 I hit a wall in my faith journey. I simply did not feel like I was in love with God. My prayers didn’t feel the same when I prayed them so I figured they were going unheard. When I worshipped, it seemed like all I could really do was sing songs as they were written, pushing for anything more only produced frustration because nothing bubbled up out of my heart. Reading my Bible felt like a joke. I was bored with it and couldn’t remember anything I read once I left my house. It was as if someone had hit the off button on my feelings. The most frustrating thing was waking up each morning feeling dry. I sat for hours sometimes, asking God to make our time together like it was before, only to walk away feeling empty-handed.
“What kind of Christian am I?” became the question I constantly asked myself until a prayer I casually prayed in March came back to my mind.
“God, I want to live and love beyond my feelings.”
Let me just say that there is no such thing as a casual prayer. I had no idea what I was getting myself into by asking Him to move me beyond feelings in my life, but I can now say it was one of the best prayers I’ve prayed over myself. As a woman, sometimes it is easy for me to be more feelings-driven than logical. More often than not I exchange feelings for logic. When I feel a certain way I can tackle anything, but when my feelings run dry I stop showing up. This is how a majority of my life and relationship with God has been. Oddly enough, I realized where I was as I sat one day journaling about my future spouse.
“If love is like a camp fire than I want to know that he can love me when the fire is blazing hot and strong, when its an ember that needs to be blown on and most importantly when it feels like nothing is there. I want to know that he’ll walk through the woods until he finds a dry tree. I want to know that he’ll do what it takes to chop that tree down and assemble that wood into the pile that will then blaze in the flames.”
Perhaps a little corny for some, but in that moment the imagery was all I needed to realize that if I could desire a man to love me like that one day, I, in turn could love God like that now. I could love Him when I had all the feels, just as much as I could when they were nonexistent. I’ve realized that love is powerful when it’s a choice, thought-out, intentional and acted on. I’ve stopped looking for feelings when I pray, worship and read. When I’m faced with the thought of not feeling anything I see it as a chance to choose God and all that He’s promised in spite of. I see it as an invitation to pick up love and stop expecting it to jump on me. It brings a level of connection and power that amazes me each and every time I make that choice. I bless you take a look at your life as you read this and maybe, just maybe, consider making some powerful choices in the places where you notice your feelings have stopped showing up.