Yep, I’m over it. I tell myself as I put the kids to bed and slip into my bed all alone. My husband won’t be home until the wee hours of the morning. Tomorrow is Saturday, opening day for Little League. Will my hubby be up in time? Probably not. When we get home, he will be gone again and we won’t see him until I hear the door creak open again in the wee hours of the morning. I’ll breathe a sigh of relief because I know he is safe.
Now before you say, “Girl straighten your man out,” let me just say he is straight. Straight as an arrow. I am a cop wife, and this is my normal. I couldn’t be prouder of what he does. When I think about what he does in a shift, I want to throw up. But once I get over that, I become so proud of who he is and what he can do. It is a well-paying job. My family has all we need. But there are nights like tonight that I crawl into an empty bed, tired from carrying the load that contains more than my fair share, and I say, “Yep, I’m over it.” I would give it all up just to have him, really have him. To not check the calendar when we get his schedule to see if he will be home for any holidays this year. But really have him. Not, sure I will attend your wedding, birthday party, etc. alone, because weekends don’t exist in our home. Have him at our dinner table every evening. Hear his voice with our children while I am tidying up from the end of our day. Hug him or smile at him while I am wrestling wet squirmy kids out of baths have him. Hear someone else breathing when the lights go out and my head hits the pillow for bed. Truth is I am lonely a lot. Truth is I am tired a lot. Truth is I worry a lot.
Most of my stories have inspirational uplifting endings. Today’s does not. Because sometimes God chooses not to move our mountains. Sometimes He asks us to wait and pray over our mountain. That is where faith comes in. When, regardless of the mountain moving, you shut the door to bitterness. You don’t give the enemy a foothold, and instead you say, “God I love you, you are sovereign and good.” There is strength in that. Perseverance in that. Character in that. Hope in that.
Romans 5:3-4 We glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance character, and character hope.
So, as I lay my heavy head down. I am also going to lay my heavy heart down to Jesus. Persevering to build character. Asking God Almighty to fill me with His HOPE. And you know what, He always does.
*Ok, I must note that I wrote this about a year ago. I was going through a very difficult season and decided that I could not write for a while. Hiding under a rock sounded like a good idea to be honest. But, I didn’t. I put one foot in front of the other each day. But more importantly, I gave God this desire for more family time. I asked Him to change my situation and give me more of my man. I asked my husband to quit, and that wasn’t God’s plan. I came up with a lot of solutions, none of which were God’s plan. But I did one thing. I faithfully prayed in the waiting. I kept my anchor in Hope. I kept laying down my heavy heart to God, telling him I loved him, telling him I know he is sovereign and good.
After ten long years of night shift, God stepped in and my hubby received a day shift. He will still get to do the job he loves, but he will also get to come home every evening and tuck babies in, and wrestle squirmy kids out of the tub. I will get to lay my head on my pillow at night and hear my hubby’s beautiful snoring, I mean breathing. We get to have him!
I tell this story to remind you to keep your anchor in hope. As you stand at the base of your mountain, anchor yourself in hope. As you pray in the waiting over your mountain, keep yourself anchored in hope. God will meet you there, and set you free.
Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain.